Just got my first ticket ever ;__; And I forgot to print out my latest insurance so I get to pay another fine. YIPPEE.

F.

M.

L.

I really want to vacation in Cali...

Most of you won't want to read this :) Its special for one person, but I want the world to be able to see it if they want.


Dear You,

How can I put into words how you make me feel? I've thought that I've been in love, and I may have been. But nothing compares to you. I dream about your smile, your laugh. I want to always tell you corny jokes that I know you laugh at on the inside even if you grimace on the outside. With you, I am complete.

You didn't know me before, but I was a mess. I was still a mess when we first met. And I never imagined that things would turn out this way. I'd grown cynical and protected. No one was to get close enough to hurt, and that meant I had given up on falling in love. I couldn't risk it.

But you, you crazy sweet amazing girl. You sneaked past my defenses, somehow. I realised, that if I wanted you, and want you I do, I had to let go of the cynicism, the hurt that I was holding on to, and lower my defenses.

We've had our rough times. But (and this is the part I think really matters) we've made it through them stronger than before. I know, with every fiber of my being that you are the one I want. You are the one I want in my home. You are the one I want to raise all our little pets with. And, if the time comes, to raise children with. You are the person I want to wake up to every morning and fall asleep with every night.

I'm crazy in love with you, too.

I promise you that I will show you how families are supposed to be and that they don't just exist in fairy tales. I will show you that I'm serious about you. I promise to always work things out, no matter how hard they may be.

You are beautiful.

"And happiness I know proves it is right. Because you're mine, I walk the line."

I'm still alive. I promise.

I move out in less than a week. Saturday will be my last official day here, though I still have to pick up the items that need a truck to move (my bed, tv and tv stand and dresser) on sunday when I can borrow Mike's truck.

I'll miss living with Jess, because she is still my friend despite being waaaaaaaaay too OCD for my tastes, but I won't miss getting fucked over with bills or her psychopath of a mother.

Today is spent moving almost all of my items besides the essentials (and doing some laundry while I'm there), then going to Panera to check my schedule as my manager is a twat. Hopefully my Jessica wakes up soon so that we can do some of this together.


We worked things out, and I'm feeling pretty hopeful. Things are changing, and I do think I need a change of scenery, a change of location, and just change in my life in general. I'll be online sporadically until I can afford to get a laptop and one of those wireless whereever cards to use at Daddy's.

Its going to be so wierd living with my parents again.

Dear Life:

Hey, its me, Jamie. You know, I'd really appreciate it if things stopped repeating themselves. I'm just saying. Can we please do something about that?

Okay, so I'm probably going to be without internet very soon.

The reason my phone bill is so high is we have to have to phone lines to be able to have internet, so that the internet doesn't mess with my roommates house phone line. Are we living in the 90s again? I was pretty sure that we could have internet that didn't interfere with phone lines, but maybe I'm just crazy. When I told her I couldn't afford to pay 121 for internet and a phone line that I don't even use, and maybe we could switch to brighthouse (the cost there would be ~61.50) her response was "I'll shut off the internet and second phone line. I have a computer at work I can use."


Awesome fucking sauce. Really?

The other bills I'm SOL with. Its unshakeable. For some reason, they think that I have all this money to spend on everything. I even asked her why I didn't have to pay those bills in my first full month living there, and she said "Oh because I paid them."

...okay... so its alright to just spring all these things on me?


I'm going to talk with Daddy on wednesday and see if maybe I can stay at his place for a little bit, and I also signed up for roommates.com and already have people asking me if I'm interested in renting with them.

I'm really sick of this sort of bullshit.

Holy crap. Life, will you please give me a break? Sometimes I feel bad because all I do is complain in my livejournal, but this is the place where I go to let everything out, you know? If you know me in real life, I'm not good at expressing my emotions, especially negative ones. I keep them locked away until I suffer a nervous breakdown and go crazy. So I've been trying to write more so I'm not keeping them hidden away and I can let some of the emotion I've been feeling out.

I came home yesterday to find a note on the fridge listing out my utilities bill for the month. My roommate and I agreed to go halfsies on things, because to me that makes the most sense, you know? Last month, I paid water and electricity and it came out to be a little less than one hundred dollars. This month, my bill is 215.82. Not only am I paying for the basics, like electricity and water, I'm also paying for the phone which I never use, an alarm system, cable, and a yard service which comes but never seems to actually take care of the yard. We're paying 121 dollars for phone and internet. I'm not quite sure how thats possible, seeing as I never use the home phone and its not even in an easily accesible place, like the kitchen or living room. Its in my roommates room, she's the only one who uses the house phone. I have my cell phone, and thats all I need. I don't even mind paying full for internet. Its only 33 dollars. Much better than the 60 I'm paying otherwise. Cable is at 65 dollars, for basic cable, no frills or anything. Again, that seems a bit much. I checked the brighthouse site, and basic cable is 50 dollars.

I'm also paying for an alarm system, which I guess is okay, even though I don't feel the need to have one. We live in a safe neighborhood. Hell, I'd feel safe leaving the doors unlocked. And then there is the yard service. Apparently all they do is come and mow the lawn. so I still have to rake and all that, when my roommate doesn't, and pay 75 dollars? I don't really think so. The upkeep of the house would be done regardless of whether or not I was living here, and I don't mind helping out, but I don't see why I'm paying for someone to come and mow the lawn.

I don't think my roommate is trying to scalp me out of money, but I do think that we're spending too much on certain things, and if I'm expected to pay half then we need to find something that both of us can agree on.

I just don't want to be overreacting, but each paycheck I make barely breaks 600, if that. And I've got my puppy to care for, you know? I can go without eating for a few days, but Harley Quinn cannot.

Its just depressing me hardcore. I don't have that kind of money to spend, and I may have to move back in with my parents again. So not only will I be living at home, I feel like a failure on top of it.

My life has not turned out at all the way I wanted it to. And sometimes, I really wish I wasn't me. I don't like me or where I'm going. I feel like Rina, I just want to live in my storybooks or my rps...

Long time no update, yeah? Haven't really been in the mood to update, but I will now for teh sake of explaining some things lol

It turns out I have something very similar to macular degeneration, which resulted in an abnormal blood vessel growing in my retina. This took, about 3 hours for the doctor to come to that conclusion. I was the youngest person in the entire place (even Jessica is older than me :( ) It was wierd to be surrounded by so many old people and then told I pretty much have an old person disease. So after getting injected with a flourescent dye, and having pictures of my retina taken (many bright, flashy lights shined directly into your dialated pupil = no fun at all), the retinal specialist comes in and explains the condition to me. I of course ask about treatment options, since walking around with a growing gray spot in my vision isn't really the best course of action. He looks kinda sympathetic and answers "Injections of -insert name of the medicine which I can't remember- directly into your eyes." He got out "Injec-" and I was like "Awesome sauce. I take it this needs to be done today." He laughs and says yes, to which I reply "Lets get this bitch done."

So they take me into one of the patient rooms and have me sit in a chair. The nurse comes in and has me sign consent forms, then puts numbing drops in my eyes. Five minutes later, the doctor comes in and -injects- a numbing solution into my eye. Wierdest. Feeling. Ever. Then he leaves. Five more minutes pass and he comes back in, all ready to stick a needle into my pupil and then pump me full of some medicine. He sticks this little wire holders under my eyelids a la A Clockwork Orange, then tells me to look up and to the left. Pook. Its done. I didn't feel anything besides this crazy pressure when he was putting the medicine in my eye. But the scary part was after he takes out the needle, I realise I cannot see anything out of my left eye. At all. I sat there with my right eye closed and my left eye opened, looking around with what I can only imagine was concerned terror on my face. The man BLINDED ME. The nurse told me that my vision would return in about 10 minutes, and to rub around my eye to bring the pressure level back to normal. Right as she said this I got the most terrible headache that still hasn't really gone away. So the doctor comes in for a last checkup before I leave and tells me the kicker.

The gray spot in my vision may not go away. I may have that for the rest of my life. The medicine should make it go away, but really all its for is keeping the blood vessel from growing so instead of going completely blind in one eye, I'll only stay partially blind. Can you say awesomesauce?


And on top of all this nonsense, I have a chest cold coming on and I need to fix my brakes with the money I just don't have. Hooray Life!

SHE'S HOME!

Harley Quinn and Mr. J are reunited :)

deets later, LOTR now

Its been three days since I last saw her. Wednesday morning, barely awake, I let her out to play. She's been missing since. I don't know what to do. I'm so scared I'll never see my baby again. Because she really is that. Yeah, she's a dog and yeah she was fucking annoying sometimes, but she's mine. She's mine and she meant more to me than I think any other human being ever has.

She was my responsibility. My little fluffy thing to look after and keep happy and healthy. And where is she now? Only the highest power knows. For all I know she could be dead on the side of the road, or hurt by the many roaming dogs/cats/gators that we have in my area. The most important thing in my life I'm responsible for, and I fucked it up.

I miss my dog. I will do anything to get her back. I'll go celibate. Jessica may not like that but I need my Harley Quinn. I'll give up drinking, smoking hookah, eating fast food, eating anything but rice and drinking water. Just as long as it bring my puppy back to me.

She's only 7 months old. She doesn't know anything, she didn't know any better than to get out and explore.

I have a feeling that someone has taken her in and doesn't want to give her up. She had tags on, with my phone number. I put up fliers. I've checked the shelter every day I can, and Jessica is checking for me tomorrow since I work. God, I love that woman. I have problems externalizing what I'm feeling, but with her I don't have to. She just takes me in her arms and tells me that she's there for me always. Without her, I don't know what I'd do...

... but going to bed at night isn't the same. I've got an empty crate beside me, a food bowl still full of Harley's breakfast, and toys laying around not being played with.

Please, just give her back to me.

Its weird to see this chapter of my life change. Stories arcs wrapping up, maybe not so neatly, but wrapping up all the same. Will the characters I've grown so fond of end up like her? Out of my life completely? Killed off from my story with a messy death in a blaze of angry words? Or just silently leaving, barely noticed until its too late?

But as these chapters end, new ones begin. Each day spent with her adds another page or four to our chapter, and its getting better and better. I'm hopeful, and genuinely happy like I have not been since ... well, you know.

Where is this story taking me?

It feels like moving back in here was one of the worst decisions I've made in a while. Actually, any decision I've made in the past 6 months have been absolute crap.

Jessica didn't know me when I lived at home. And now that I'm here, I hate who I am. Its the same thing as before I moved out. Nothing with them has changed. I hate the person I become because of them. I really like this girl, really, really like her, and what if she doesn't like this part of me? If I could turn it off I would, but they have the ability to make me doubt myself and feel like the worse person in the world with a single phone call. My mood can go from joyful to foul by three words out of their mouths.

When will I -grow- -up- and get over them??

And I don't know if she's ready for me to depend on her in the way I need...

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.


Gotta love fucking self loathing.


Seriously Jamie Michelle. Fucking. Seriously.

Well fuck. My laptop crapped out. I'm currently sans computer. Hopefully I'll have a new one within a couple of weeks. Til then, my usually sporadic updating will be even more sporadic.

The moon tonight is interesting. Its waning, about three-quarters full, the missing quarter on the top, a little bit to the right. That in itself is unremmarkable. But its face struck my eye. It looks like its in pain: eyes screwed shut and mouth open in a silent gasp. It was a resigned look, as if the Moon had accepted its inevitable fate, but couldn't mask the pain any longer. I've always seen the face in the moon as a sort of smile, but this wasn't just a trick of my eyes. Or maybe it was. All I can say is: I know how you feel, Moon.

Now that I'm in a better state of mind, here is what happened.

I've moved back into my parents house for right now. Probably for a couple of weeks, but a month at the most. Just until the place with Jess is all set up. Rosalie and I got into an enormous fight and I let her know exactly how I felt. It was actually a little bit more than that, but just talking about it gets me all rage filled and grumpy and hysterical.

But its nice to be here. Arabelle is beside herself because not only did she get her big sister back for a while, but she also got a puppy -laughs- Harley has adjusted amazingly.

Maybe I'll get back into the habit of updating...

I really hate my life right now.

Everything has come crashing down in an amazing, horrific torrent.

Falling Away With You - Muse
I can't remember when it was good
moments of happiness elude
maybe I just misunderstood

all of the love we left behind
watching the flash backs intertwine
memories I will never find

so I'll love whatever you become
and forget the reckless things we've done
I think our lives have just begun
I think our lives have just begun

and I'll feel my world crumbling,
and I'll I feel my life crumbling
and feel my soul crumbling away
and falling away,
falling away with you

staying awake to chase a dream
tasting the air you're breathing in
I hope I won't forget a thing

promise to hold you close and pray
watching the fantasies decay
nothing will ever stay the same

and all of the love we threw away
and all of the hopes we've cherished fade
making the same mistakes again
making the same mistakes again

and I feel my world crumbling,
and I feel my life crumbling down,
I can feel my soul crumbling away,
and falling away,
falling away with you

all of the love we left behind
watching the flash backs intertwine
memories I will never find
memories I will never find

I think I screwed up royally.... but I won't apologize...

Johnny is gone. He told me last night he had nothing more to say to me. Five years down the drain because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I know he's not Michelle, but its almost hilarious on how similar these situations are. There was someone else, someone that he couldn't leave. We still had a relationship -despite- knowing that there was someone else. He would say "when we're together" and "our children" and call me his future wife. He'd tell me he loved me. The similarities are there. "I love you, but I can't be with you. You're incredibly important, but not enough." He lied. Multiple times. Kept the truth from me, which is just as bad as lying in my book. Then I'm a terrible person for not trusting him one hundred percent? Couldn't even tell me that he was seeing someone else. No, I thought that for once, once in my life, I was somebody's Only. I made plans for when he would visit. And after a month of waiting, finally I learn the truth? Of course I don't believe when he tells me now "I'll visit in March." No. You won't. Gayle is probably pregnant, and I can't handle it. I'm not strong enough for you to bring -her- to Florida. Especially not on my birthday. It still hurts. I learned about her in October and still, to this very second, it hurts. I would have never let you know my feelings if I had known you were in love with someone else. I just don't understand. Was it really that far of a stretch to think that I was the only one? I know I'm young. I know our previous attempt failed majestically. But I honestly thought we could make it through anything. Now I know that I can break anything.


I just can't believe that this is the end. I don't want it to be. But I can't apologize for how I feel. It wouldn't be sincere, and I'm actually quite sick of it. I don't think I'm in the wrong here, to be completely honest. But I don't want to lose him like this. I'm losing a great part of my life, and the one person who I really loved. I didn't know it when I was younger, but I really love him.

I can't bear us becoming past tense...